Setting Boundaries with a Narcissist – 16 Tips & Examples

When I was still in a relationship with my ex narcissist, I had no idea what boundaries were let alone setting and maintaining them. It felt like I was in uncharted territory, with the concept of standing my ground as foreign as the most distant land.

As the years slid by, my sense of self was continuously eroded until I felt like I was hitting rock bottom. It was at this lowest point that I realized the urgent need to learn how to start setting boundaries with a narcissist.

Regardless of your relationship with the narcissist, whether they’re a spouse, a parent, or a colleague, mastering how to set boundaries with a narcissist becomes an absolute lifeline.

Despite initial pushback from the narcissist in my life, I started to learn how to set boundaries. His disregard was expected, but with every stand I took, and every boundary I maintained, I was fortifying my own emotional defenses.

It is this hard-earned wisdom that I wish to share with you. Today, I’ll be sharing with you 16 enlightening tips and examples of boundaries with a narcissist. These will help you put things into perspective so you can start setting boundaries with a narcissist.

If you’re struggling to heal from narcissistic abuse, I warmly welcome you to my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. It’s an easy self-paced online course which you can do at your own pace. My signature program combines scientific and spiritual tools for holistic healing of the body, mind, and spirit.

How to set boundaries with a narcissist

Learning how to set boundaries in a relationship with a narcissist is crucial for your emotional well-being. Here are some steps to guide you on this path:

1. Recognize Narcissistic Behavior:

The first step is to understand the patterns of narcissistic behavior. When we’re in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, we can unintentionally normalize their abusive behavior, becoming numb to the harm they inflict. A narcissist often dismisses your feelings, disregards your needs, and may use manipulation tactics to control the narrative. Spotting these narcissist red flags is crucial.

These harmful tendencies are more than mere personality quirks; they are among the 12 traits of a narcissist, and clear indicators that we may be subjected to emotional mistreatment. It’s essential to recognize them for what they are – signs of narcissistic abuse.

2. Define Your Boundaries:

Understanding your personal limits is crucial. If there’s something you’re not comfortable with, remember, you have every right to communicate it. Your needs and feelings matter, and you don’t need external validation for your emotions. It’s important to clearly understand your values and recognize what crosses the line for you.

When we don’t live in alignment with our values, we often experience inner conflict, leading to emotional turmoil. This dissonance can manifest as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and even physical symptoms such as fatigue or insomnia. It can also erode our sense of self, making us more vulnerable to the manipulation and control tactics employed by narcissists.

By defining and asserting your boundaries, you can begin to live more authentically, reducing this inner conflict and promoting emotional well-being. Your boundaries serve as a protective barrier, safeguarding your values and your mental health from the narcissist’s damaging behavior.

Related: How to Make a Narcissist Fear You

3. Communicate Assertively:

Being direct is key when setting boundaries with a narcissist. Use clear, assertive language to express your limits. In my own journey of learning how to set boundaries with a narcissist, my therapist noted my submissive demeanor.

Practice assertiveness not just in your words, but also in your tone of voice and body language. It may feel strange at first, but practicing in front of a mirror or visualizing the interaction in your head can be extremely helpful.

Remember, asserting your boundaries is not about being aggressive; it’s about standing firm in your own space. It’s about demonstrating your self-respect and ensuring that others understand and respect your boundaries. Over time, with consistent practice, you’ll notice a shift in your interactions, and standing up for yourself will become more natural and less stressful.

Related: How to deal with a narcissist

4. Manage Your Emotions:

When working on setting boundaries with a narcissist, avoid getting emotional or defensive. A narcissist might use this as a way to further manipulate the situation. Also note that narcissists enjoy triggering us as this provides them with narcissistic supply.

I know it’s extremely challenging, but try to manage yourself as much as you can when communicating with the narcissist. Then I highly recommend that you find healthy ways of releasing and expressing your anger and frustration. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of finding healthy ways to release and express these feelings.

Bottling up or suppressing your anger is detrimental to your well-being. Discovering and employing constructive outlets for your emotions is essential in maintaining a balanced body-mind-soul connection.

Here are five strategies for expressing and releasing anger in a beneficial way:

• Physical Activity: Engaging in regular exercise or physical activities like jogging, swimming, yoga, or taking mindful walks in nature help diffuse the tension. Physical activity releases endorphins, which naturally boost your mood and can help to manage feelings of anger.
• Artistic Expression: Channeling your emotions into artistic pursuits such as painting, writing, dancing, or playing music can be therapeutic. It allows you to express your feelings without having to put them into words.
• Mindful Practices: Techniques such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or progressive muscle relaxation can help you calm your mind and body. Mindfulness can also help you become more aware of your feelings and reactions, helping you better manage them over time.
• Therapy or Counselling: Seeking narcissistic abuse therapy or counseling can provide a safe and non-judgmental environment to express your anger. You can also learn strategies to manage your anger effectively.
• Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can provide a cathartic release and allow you to better understand your anger. Try not to censor yourself – the journal is a safe space for you to express yourself honestly.

Related: 10 Symptoms of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

5. Stay Consistent:

Once you’ve set a boundary, it’s crucial to remain consistent. This means holding firm even when it feels tough, even when the narcissist tries to negotiate or manipulate you through narcissist gaslighting.

Reaffirm your boundaries each time they’re tested – don’t give in to pressure or guilt trips. This demonstration of resolve shows that you are committed to your self-respect and well-being. Over time, it will become an integral part of how you navigate relationships, even those challenging ones with narcissists.

Related: Is My Husband a Narcissist Quiz

6. Seek Support:

Reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals. Trying to set boundaries in a relationship with a narcissist can be draining. So it helps to have a strong support network. A strong support network can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings. It will also help you gain fresh perspectives, and reaffirm your right to set boundaries.

The benefits of seeking support are numerous. Apart from emotional solace, it can boost your resilience and empower you to maintain your boundaries effectively. Remember, setting boundaries with a narcissist can be challenging, and there’s absolutely no shame in seeking help. Professional counselors or support groups can provide valuable tools and strategies, making your journey less isolating and more manageable.

Related: 7 Signs of a Female Narcissist

How do I respond if they react aggressively when setting boundaries with a narcissist?

If the narcissist becomes physically aggressive, it’s critical to ensure your safety first and foremost. Never hesitate to contact local authorities or a trusted individual who can help. Don’t underestimate the seriousness of physical aggression; consider seeking assistance from a domestic violence hotline or shelter.

If the narcissist starts getting aggressive verbally with you, here are a few tips that can help:

• Stay Calm: The first step is to remain composed and not let their aggression rattle you. Remember that their aggressive reaction is an attempt to regain control and not a reflection of your worth or the validity of your boundary.
• Don’t Engage: Avoid getting drawn into an argument or justifying your boundaries. You have the right to set limits to protect your well-being. And you don’t need to defend or explain that right.
• Reiterate Your Boundary: If the narcissist reacts aggressively, restate your boundary using clear and firm language. For example, “I have made it clear that I will not tolerate disrespectful language. If you continue, I will leave the conversation.”
• Follow Through on Consequences: If they continue to react aggressively, follow through on the consequences you have outlined. This could mean leaving the room, ending a phone call, or taking some time away from the relationship.

Related: Guided meditation for healing from narcissistic abuse

How to set boundaries with a narcissistic parent

Setting boundaries with a narcissistic parent can be a uniquely complex endeavor. The emotional dynamics that exist between covert narcissist mothers and fathers, and their children often make this task particularly challenging. But it’s critical for your own well-being.

Narcissistic parents often belittle their children’s feelings, manipulate to maintain control, and may display an extreme lack of empathy. Understanding these characteristics on the narcissist checklist is essential to learn how to set appropriate boundaries with a narcissist.

As their child, you naturally seek love, validation, and a sense of worth from your parents, making boundary-setting all the more difficult. The confusion between your love for them and the pain they cause can be deeply unsettling. This creates wounds that persist into adulthood and affect your attachment style.

Learning to nurture and heal these wounds is key to freeing yourself from this inherited pain. It’s essential to remind yourself that protecting your well-being is not only permissible, but necessary, even when the person causing you harm is a parent. It’s common to feel guilty, but remember, your boundaries are about ensuring your emotional health and not punishing your parent.

With these factors in mind, clarity and specificity are crucial in defining your boundaries. Identify what behaviors you will no longer accept and decide on the consequences if these boundaries are infringed.

For instance, you might determine that you won’t tolerate demeaning conversations. If your parent starts belittling you, assert your boundary by saying, “I won’t continue this discussion if it remains disrespectful.” By setting such boundaries, you take a crucial step toward self-care and healing.

Related: Karma Narcissist Quotes

How to set boundaries with a narcissistic spouse

Now, let’s consider an example of how to set boundaries with a narcissist spouse. Suppose your narcissistic partner often belittles your achievements in public.

You might start by identifying this as an area where a boundary is necessary. Next, decide on a response that works for you. This could be as simple as walking away from the conversation or saying, “I won’t tolerate you diminishing my achievements.”

The key is to communicate this boundary assertively and directly. Every time the narcissist belittles you, follow your set response.

Apart from public belittlement, there might be various other situations where you might need to assert your boundaries.

If your spouse often undermines your feelings by calling you ‘overly sensitive’ or ‘dramatic,’ this is another area where a boundary needs to be set. You could respond by saying, “My feelings are valid, and I won’t accept them being invalidated or minimized.”

Another common tactic narcissistic spouses might use is guilt-tripping you into doing things you’re uncomfortable with. Recognize this as an infringement of your personal space and assert your boundary by saying something like, “I have the right to choose what I want to do. My decisions won’t be guided by guilt.”

A narcissistic spouse may also have a habit of constantly checking your personal messages or emails. In this case, an appropriate boundary could be: “My personal correspondence is private. I expect you to respect this privacy.”

In each case, remember to state your boundary calmly but firmly, and be prepared to follow through with the consequences you’ve decided on if the boundary is breached. It’s crucial to stand your ground, even when it’s challenging. This not only helps in protecting your mental well-being but also fosters a sense of self-respect and self-worth.

Recap on setting boundaries with a narcissist

Navigating relationships with narcissists can be challenging. But setting clear boundaries can offer significant protection. Here’s a recap of 16 vital tips on setting boundaries with a narcissist:

1. Identify your values and principles: Know what matters most to you and what you won’t compromise on.
2. Realize that your feelings are valid: Don’t let a narcissist invalidate your emotions.
3. Understand and recognize narcissistic behavior: Learn the traits of a narcissist to better anticipate their actions.
4. Clearly define your boundaries: Decide what behaviors you won’t tolerate.
5. Communicate assertively: Be clear, direct, and firm when establishing your boundaries.
6. Practice assertiveness: Strengthen your assertiveness skills to help maintain your boundaries.
7. Follow through with consequences: If a boundary is violated, ensure there are repercussions.
8. Stay consistent: Keep your boundaries stable and don’t waver.
9. Avoid justifying your boundaries: Your limits are your own, and you don’t need to defend them.
10. Manage your emotions: Keep calm, particularly if the narcissist attempts to provoke you.
11. Seek support: Don’t hesitate to reach out to trusted friends, family or a support group.
12. Be patient with yourself: Boundary-setting is a skill that develops over time.
13. Prioritize self-care: Remember, your emotional and mental well-being comes first.
14. Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself throughout this challenging process.
15. Consider distance: If the narcissist continually disrespects your boundaries, it may be necessary to distance yourself.
16. Find a professional to help you: Therapists, counselors, and coaches can provide valuable guidance and support as you navigate setting boundaries with a narcissist.

If you’re dealing with a narcissist and need professional guidance to help set and uphold boundaries, I invite you to join my narcissistic abuse recovery program. I’ll support you every step of the way, helping you navigate these challenges and regain your peace of mind.

Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. Don’t hesitate to reach out, and let’s start your journey towards healing today.

FAQs

Additional Resources:

Divorcing a Narcissist
Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists? 
How Does a Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You?
How Does a Narcissist React When You Stop Chasing Them?