7 Stages Of Trauma Bonding

A trauma bond is like a drug addiction where victims of abuse become psychologically addicted to their abuser and find it hard to leave the relationship. The 7 stages of trauma bonding will give you insight to know if you’ve developed trauma bonding with your partner.

Trauma bonding is a result of manipulative techniques by abusive partners to trap their victims into unhealthy toxic relationships. Most often, survivors are unaware of the trauma bonding which makes it even more difficult to leave.

If you feel like you have tried to leave a toxic relationship multiple times, but keep ending back with your ex despite the abuse, it might be an indication of trauma bonding. This manipulative technique can cause long-term negative effects and a lot of suffering. 

It’s not easy to break free from the traumatic effects of narcissistic abuse. Trust me I’ve been there!

If you’re interested in healing from narcissistic abuse, I warmly welcome you to my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. It’s an easy self-paced online course which you can do at your own pace. My signature program combines scientific and spiritual tools for holistic healing of the body, mind, and spirit.

Understanding the 7 stages of trauma bonding:

Stage 1: Love bombing

In the beginning of the relationship your connection feels deep, intense, and you experience euphoric moments. Narcissists shower you with love and affection which can sometimes feel overwhelming. You feel appreciated and loved, and they present themselves as your ideal partner. Learn more about the love bombing manipulative technique.

Stage 2: Get you hooked and gain your trust

As the relationship develops, your partner does everything they can to win over your trust. They might rush you into commitments and suggest that you move in together or get married. These are usually false promises as when they feel that they have gained your trust, they will back out from commitment. 

You start feeling attached to them, and your emotions begin to feel dependent on them. As they sense that you are becoming addicted to them, they slowly start distancing themselves. 

Craving their love and validation is an indication that you are developing trauma bonding signs. In a healthy loving relationship, love and acceptance are always present, as your partner won’t leave you craving for their affection and validation.

Stage 3: Shift to criticism and devaluation

You might not notice how they gradually shift to the criticism stage. It generally starts slowly, and you might mistake it as a normal progression of two people getting more comfortable together in a relationship.

Suddenly, they start belittling you, and you find yourself being blamed for everything that goes wrong, including their feelings and perceptions. As they enter into the devaluation stage, they become more demanding and it seems like they are never pleased. No matter what you do is never good enough for them.

This is part of the narcissistic cycle, an abusive pattern that leads to trauma bonding. You can learn more about what is a narcissistic abuse cycle to help you get more insights on their behavior.

Stage 4: Gaslighting

During this stage, your abusive partner denies your feelings and experiences. They twist facts and make you feel that your concerns are invalid. Narcissist gaslighting causes a lot of confusion, and can lead to questioning your own sanity.

Most often, victims of gaslighting develop cognitive dissonance as their abusive partners deny abusive behaviors, and accuse them that all problems in the relationship are solely their fault. This is an emotional manipulation technique and can make you seriously doubt your own thoughts, memories and experiences. 

Stage 5: Resignation & submission

You realize that no matter how hard you try to reason things out, you cannot get anywhere. Having an open and logical discussion in a relationship with a narcissist is impossible. Every time you try to reason things out, your partner continues to blame and criticize you, while shifting the point of the argument to something irrelevant. 

You find yourself mentally and emotionally exhausted, so you decide to try and do things their way in order to resolve conflict. This empowers them to continue disrespecting your boundaries, while you’re hoping that you get back to Stage 1 to get their love and affection.

Related: 12 Traits of a Narcissist

Stage 6: Loss of sense of self

Any attempt to take control into your hands and set some boundaries in your relationship or when divorcing a narcissist, results in extreme emotional manipulation and abusive behavior.

Your family and friends are probably worried about you, and they cannot understand why you’re still in this toxic relationship. You find yourself feeling powerless and exhausted.

Your self-esteem has been broken and you completely neglect yourself and your needs to attend to theirs. As a result, you end up losing touch with your true self, your principles, and personality. At this stage, you will do anything just to avoid another conflict and more suffering.

Stage 7: Emotional Addiction

Being in a relationship with a narcissist feels like an emotional roller-coaster. You feel anxious and stressed all the time, increasing the levels of cortisol in your body. At this stage, you struggle to find pleasure in anything, and you crave relief from the pain as a result of being rejected by your partner. This creates a cycle of dependency that can feel very similar to drug addiction. 

Narcissists go through toxic behavioral cycles which leave their victims at their mercy. Learn more about the behavioral cycle of a narcissist to help you understand better the psychology behind it. This kind of behavior also leads to trauma bonding which keeps their victims trapped in the relationship craving for the next love bombing stage.

Examining Trauma Bonding through Examples

Let’s illustrate trauma bonding with a real-life example for each stage:

1. Love bombing: Emily meets Mike, who appears to be the perfect partner. He showers her with attention, gifts, and compliments that make her feel incredibly special and loved. However, this is an overwhelming amount of affection that Mike uses to quickly establish a bond with Emily.
2. Gaining trust: Mike makes grand promises about their future together, pushing Emily into making commitments such as moving in together. This makes Emily feel like Mike is truly serious about their relationship.
3. Shift to criticism and devaluation: Over time, Mike’s behavior changes. He starts belittling Emily, blaming her for things that are not her fault, and criticizing her actions and appearance. Emily, initially confused, begins to believe she’s at fault because Mike has previously shown a caring side, which she hopes will reemerge.
4. Gaslighting: Whenever Emily tries to discuss the changes in Mike’s behavior, he denies any wrongdoing and accuses Emily of overreacting. He manipulates reality in a way that makes Emily question her own memory and sanity.
5. Resignation & submission: After endless, draining arguments, Emily stops trying to confront Mike. She starts doing things his way, hoping this will bring back the caring and affectionate Mike she first met.
6. Loss of sense of self: Emily becomes isolated from her friends and family who express concerns about her relationship. She starts prioritizing Mike’s needs over her own, resulting in a significant loss of her own identity and self-worth.
7. Emotional Addiction: Emily is now in a state of constant anxiety and stress. Despite knowing she is unhappy, she struggles to leave Mike, anticipating those brief moments of affection and peace. This cycle of emotional highs and lows keeps her trapped in the relationship.

As you can see, due to the difficult trauma bond withdrawal symptoms that Emily experiences, it’s extremely challenging to leave the relationship.

Self-Reflection:

• If you had to look back at your childhood, did you crave being seen, heard, and valued?
• Do you find yourself constantly seeking validation and approval from your partner, even when it comes at the expense of your own well-being?
• Reflect on your childhood experiences. Were there any instances of neglect, emotional or physical abuse, or inconsistent caregiving? How might these early experiences have shaped your perception of love, intimacy, and the need for validation in your adult relationships?
• Consider your emotional boundaries and self-esteem. Are you able to set and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships, or do you often find yourself compromising your own needs and values to please others?

Breaking Free of a Trauma Bond

Even though you can sense that the relationship is toxic for you, you struggle to leave your partner. You find yourself making excuses and justifying their behavior. However, deciding to stay in a toxic relationship is a symptom of trauma bonding.

This kind of emotional and mental torture will never stop if you decide to stay with a narcissist. To break free from a trauma bond, you need to cut all the contact with the narcissist and physically distance yourself. Healing from a narcissistic relationship is not easy, but once you take the necessary steps to get over a trauma bond, it will become easier.

Professional support can be extremely helpful in your healing journey. It can help you gain an objective perspective on what is happening in your relationship, and rebuild your self-esteem. By working on yourself with someone who can understand and validate your experience, you can get closure and reconnect with your sense of self to reclaim yourself back!

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