When a Codependent Leaves a Narcissist

In this blog post I share with you all you need to know about what happens when a codependent leaves a narcissist, why it’s so hard for codependents to leave narcissists, and what to expect.

This way you can anticipate the narcissist’s next move and prepare yourself to take CONSCIOUS DECISIONS.

Just like you, I also struggled with codependency. I felt this insatiable urge to save and to please others, as if it was ingrained in me. With a narcissist on the other end, it was a recipe for an emotional maelstrom.

But at some point, the tables turned and I realized that I deserved a better partner, a better relationship, and a better life. So I said to myself “Enough!”

However, when a codependent leaves a narcissist, it’s not just like a normal break-up. Things are messier, and more challenging due to the dynamics between codependents and narcissists.

If you’re struggling to heal from narcissistic abuse, I warmly welcome you to my Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. It’s an easy self-paced online course which you can do at your own pace. My signature program combines scientific and spiritual tools for holistic healing of the body, mind, and spirit.

Why is it hard for a codependent to leave a narcissist?

Narcissists are extremely charming, interesting, and just seem above standard. They have a grandiose sense of self and present themselves as the best and superior to others. 

In the initial stage of the relationship they are usually very intense and passionate. They give you a lot of affection, and present themselves as your soul mate. Narcissists know exactly what you want to hear as they are very good at reading people. 

This initial stage of the relationship is known as the love bombing phase and makes it really hard for a codependent to leave a narcissist.

Of course, it’s understandable that anyone, especially codependents get addicted to the narcissist. The reason why codependent narcissist relationships are so dangerous is because a codependent seeks validation from other people, and a narcissist makes the codependent feel special. 

They feel honored and flattered that someone who seems to be above standard is interested in them. In a codependent narcissist relationship, codependents see themselves through the narcissist and highly value their opinion. 

The problem is that the love bombing phase is only temporary. Once the codependent is addicted to the narcissist, they sense it and they aren’t motivated to be nice to you anymore. 

However, narcissists want to keep their victims at hand to attend to their needs when they please. They don’t want you to move on, so when they sense that you might leave or become distant, they will do everything in their power to lure you back into the abusive relationship.

This kind of technique is called intermittent positive reinforcement which is a form of manipulation that causes trauma bonding with narcissists. This means that after being abused and belittled, the codependent craves signs of approval because they are addicted to the narcissist. 

This is why when a codependent leaves a narcissist, they experience a lot of emotional suffering.

Related articles: 7 Stages Of Trauma Bonding | Trauma Bonding Signs | How To Get Over A Trauma Bond

Codependent narcissist relationship: what happens next?

In a normal relationship, it’s common that the honey-moon period phases out. However, in an abusive narcissistic codependent relationship, the narcissist changes from your ‘perfect soul mate’ to your worst nightmare.

Their charming traits disappear and are replaced with the following characteristics:

• extreme criticism
• belittling comments
• demands 
• manipulation
• become distant
• narcissistic abuse

This pattern in a codependent narcissist relationship is called a narcissistic abuse cycle of idealization, devaluing and discarding. Learn more about What is a narcissistic abuse cycle?

The codependent narcissist dance

The codependent narcissist dance can continue on for years. The codependent feels responsible for fixing the relationship and becomes hopeful that by being more accommodating, they will win back their loving attention from the narcissist. 

In a codependent narcissist relationship, you end up losing your sense of self and self-esteem as the narcissist blames you for everything that goes wrong and makes you believe that you are worthless.

A common tactic in an abusive narcissistic codependent relationship is manipulation and narcissist gaslighting. Gas lighting leads to you start doubting your own perceptions due to constant blame, lies and manipulation. 

As you become weaker and completely lose your sense of self, it becomes even harder for a codependent to leave a narcissist. You end up feeling trapped, questioning your own sanity while staying loyal to your abuser.

What to expect when a codependent leaves a narcissist

Narcissists and codependents are opposites, but both dysfunctionally similar to each other in regard to their sense of self worth. A codependent narcissist relationship is usually full of drama and numerous breakups. 

This is because narcissists are also codependent and fear abandonment. If you distance yourself from them, they will switch back to the love bombing phase until they pull you back in which makes them feel safe again. 

The narcissist wants to make sure that the codependent stays addicted to them. This ensures that they can feed their ego and that you provide them with narcissistic supply. 

When a codependent leaves a narcissist, they find it difficult to accept it as they cannot handle the rejection. It is a big humiliation for them and their fragile ego cannot handle it. They will make pleas and false promises, and do whatever it takes to control you so that they win.

Related: How To Break Codependency

These are a few behavioral traits to expect when a codependent leaves a narcissist:

• Fake promises to get you back (hoovering technique)
• Love bombing
• Threats that they will hurt themselves or your family
• Erratic behavior
• Gossip and slander you to family and friends
• Try to make you jealous with photos of them having fun with someone else
• Texting you and calling you non stop
• Stalking you

Keep in mind that the narcissist engages in this behavior not because they love you, but because they want to have control over you and keep you stuck in an abusive narcissistic codependent relationship.

They can’ stand the thought of being forgotten, so they keep you waiting and hoping that your relationship will get better. Even though they don’t really want to be with you, they don’t want you to let go of them or be with someone else either. 

So what can you do to leave an abusive narcissistic codependent relationship?

How to leave a codependent and narcissist relationship

In a codependent and narcissist relationship, it’s easy to convince and fool yourself that you can play their game. In reality, if you’re not a sociopath you cannot beat them at their own game. Remember that they are masters of manipulation and lack empathy. 

Choosing to hold on to an abusive narcissistic codependent relationship is a result of fear of abandonment in relationships. 

Follow the following steps to learn how you can leave a codependent narcissist relationship:

• Educate yourself – learn about the psychology behind it. Information is power! Check out my article about “How to Heal from a Narcissistic Relationship’’
• Find a support group – you can also find online support groups which you will find very helpful. You will realize that you are not alone and when other people can relate to what you’re going through, it is comforting in itself. 
• Work on the relationship with yourself – this is ESSENTIAL if you want to heal and move forward from abusive narcissistic codependent relationships. Learn what it means to really love yourself. That way you will not tolerate anyone to disrespect you because you know your self-worth.
• Become self-reliant – one of the major reasons why codependents struggle to leave a narcissist is because they rely on them for whichever reason. Codependents fear that they will lose something by not being with the narcissist. Create a life aside from your relationship!
• Strengthen your self-esteem – learn your own value and self-worth. Practice positive affirmations to rewire your brain with positive beliefs about yourself to remove the negative inner beliefs implanted by the narcissist as a result of the abuse. 
• Practice being assertive – abusive codependent narcissist relationships are strengthened by lack of assertiveness. Asserting your needs and desires is not an act of selfishness but an act of self-love. Set solid boundaries and learn how to honor your needs.
• Practice mindful meditation – meditation helps you cultivate self-awareness and trains the mind to be less impulsive. This can help you deal with your emotions and negative thoughts. Meditation also helps you to ground yourself and reconnect with your true self. 
• Repeat codependency affirmations – codependency affirmations teach your brain a new way to think about yourself and shifts your perception. You will start seeing yourself from a new perspective and you will build up your confidence and self-reliance.
• Seek counseling – working with someone who understands what you have been through can help you navigate through the process of healing. Narcissistic abuse causes a lot of emotional suffering. Counseling and therapy with a trained professional can help you heal your emotional wounds and move forward with your life.

FAQ